he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
