I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
