you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
