well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
