Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
