the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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