I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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