btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
