tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
