my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
