Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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