Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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