Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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