I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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