I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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