Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
