I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize