ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
