Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
