Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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