So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
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