Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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