I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
