Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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