god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
