Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
