I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize