i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
