so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
