Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
