i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I am midnight drunk by noon
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
