I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
