I just pynch a tree in the face
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
