whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
