nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
