i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
