I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize