Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
