I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
tonight lets celebrate not being married
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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