Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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