I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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