i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
i think i just lost a toe
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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