you guys were way drunker than both of me
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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