The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
