plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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