it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
