Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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