do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
