The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
