Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
