Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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