You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
