im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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