Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just gargled with NyQuil
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize