It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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