how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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