Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
