just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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