I love black thongs
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize