i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
