dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
