he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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