I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
