why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
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