i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
