Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I wish I only lived at night.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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