you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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