Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
my shit smells like andre
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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