I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
