I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
you made out with another girl for some wings
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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