my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she smelled like a LAN party
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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