I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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