apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
