You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
