My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
