you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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