chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize