So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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