On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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